Holotrop V

I did an hour and a bit more long holotropic breathwork, and these are the things that I experienced or saw. I saw myself, or I saw a man, walking on the beach, but the man was like, it was like a glitched film, because it got overlaid with an older version of this man. And there was sunset, and sometimes he became a monk, and that's how he was leaving a footprint in the wet sand. Then I saw the sunset and the sunrise. Then I saw this man, hunting in the forest or jungle. His gaze was fixed on his prey, and he was breathing, and his heart was breathing the same way as his prey's, and it gave me this sense that if you want to be a good hunter or a good tracker, you have to become one in rhythm or in, I don't know, that you have to become one with your prey, because that's when you understand, that's when you know when to attack, when to hunt, when to go forward, when to stay still.
Then I would see myself as a man who's left arm is ripped apart and sliced and bleeding and this man would shout in agony and bleed out.
Then I would be this man in the forest finding a skull, then the forest would turn into a black desert and I would see skulls and bones scattered around. I would realise all this scattered bones were once me, past versions of me... And in all my previous life I have failed to do something and I felt the futility of reborning again and again.
I would then see myself and my surroundings ever-changing, the sun coming up and coming in rapidness..
Then I would find myself in a black shirt, playing a guitar to a woman, the scene was nectar sweet and Mediterranean.
Then the scene would change to a mediaeval setting where I'd be a bard or a troubadour playing a stringed instrument and being in love with another man. I felt my very strong male energies, that I would have taken this love to a physical level. Then I witnessed this man loosing his love and becoming a monk for atunement, he would take the cloak and walk the realms barefooted. His energies changed to a very wise and powerful person, also a much tamer personality but still grief struck.
Then I would see how his inner duality would manifest in other lives: becoming an addict or being suicidal for carrying this need for higher spiritually but also the grief of loosing something and desiring something forbidden.
Then I would think I am cursed, but then the monk version of myself would step besides me and make me remember my walks in nature and the dances I shared in my past lives... Like pointing out the little connections I had in all my life and was available for me...
I felt sorry for this male version of myself falling in love with another man and loosing him and feeling guilt and loss over it.

There was one more scene: I was a postman or a messenger, also mediaeval times, I would have a bag of some sorts and I would bring letters or small parcels between villages, again walking nature and dirt roads, I felt very sentimental about one village in particular.

I experienced a high amplitude of different emotions and sensations: awe, love, desire, being powerful, connectedness, sexuality, then futility, madness, pain, confusion, grief and loss, reconnecting, simplicity, power in being tame at heart, splitting.

Around love or attachment I always felt insecure or not worthy. I might have been a womb twin and my twin disappeared or merged in with me, because I carry a sense of loss from an early age, and I was always talking to the "other me" as far as I can remember.

I did go through substance abuse, using drugs but I sought out help in therapy, in my trips I also experienced this unrequited guilty love, sometimes high spirituality and connectedness to nature and other times experiencing my own death.
I also sense that I was struggling to keep certain mental contents out of my mind because it was so unrealistic and therefore I started to detach myself from everything.

The skulls and bones and the monk. In my mind I always had an inner figure called anonymous, who was the wise story writer, guide and engineer, he was very supportive in my mind, he also represented himself as a monk.

The skull as a symbol was always important to me it has a dualistic nature for me: being mortal, but even after death your frame persist and refuses to decay.

I do not know what to believe anymore. I was raised as a Christian, but I had a problem with giving faith to an organisation like the church, where believers are being led by questionable people and historically the church have sinned against humanity in many ways.

However in my breathwork vision having faith didn't seem to be about church, but more about an inner journey, it felt I could've been a monk of a Christian monestary or Buddhist temple, it didn't matter.

"What do you feel these experiences are trying to teach you or reveal to you about yourself?"

In some sense, now that I think, that I am carrying some sort of intergenerational and reincarnational loss. That I can't get rid of that, but just accept it, that this is a part of the human experience.
That there were times where sexuality was very restricted and limited and emotions were not considered. I am grateful, that in current times homosexuality is more part of the norm, but even when life is restricted, there's love and passion in music, dancing and creating - these are ways to connect to others with libido and joy.
Then to connect to yourself is a spiritual practice, but sometimes as simple as taking a walk in the forest and connecting to nature.
Addiction is a result of trying to skip integrating yourself and your experiences while also trying to achieve spirituality - it will result in the destruction of the body.

Having the hunter archetype is not necessary bad, because it can become one with it's pray, so in sense capable of connecting to others on a much deeper level, but it is necessary to develop tameness at the same time to avoid power struggles.